Reasonable Nuts

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Thursday, October 04, 2007

Fun Facts about Ray Kurzweil



FUN FACTS ABOUT RAY KURZWEIL:

* Ray Kurzweil is a unitarian. He chose to be one because, if he were to single out a religion, the resulting quantum probability wave-function collapse would make all other religions untrue and render a majority of mankind godless and damned.

* Indigo Children are actually a result of a series of donations Ray Kurzweil made to sperm donor banks in late 80s to early 90s.

* On August 4, 1997, while Ray Kurzweil was staying at a hotel, the cable TV shorted out. Rather than wait for room service, Kurzweil attempted to fix it himself. As a result, Skynet became self-aware and started the subsequent robot holocaust.

* The Kaaba at Masjid al-Haram in Mecca is actually Ray Kurzweil's backup web server.

* When he was young, Ray Kurzweil used to volunteer in the neighborhood by tutoring learning disabled kids on basic language and communication skills. One of those kids was later elected 43rd President of the United States.

* MacGyver calls Ray Kurzweil when he runs out of paperclips, rubber bands and drinking straws.

* Rosh Hashanna is the day each year that Ray Kurzweil defrags God's hard drive. Yom Kippur is when he runs the virus sweep.

* Ray Kurzweil once beat Garry Kasparov at a game of chess. He then proceeded to beat Deep Blue at a game of tic-tac-toe.

* Ray Kurzweil's research on longevity are actually part of deal with Cthulhu to increase his feeding stock once he awakens. In return, Kurzweil gets the patents on the Furby and the Swiffer.

* The 4400 is actually just an elaborate marketing scheme for a new health supplement Ray Kurzweil is test marketing in the Seattle area.

* Ray Kurzweil knows what Willis was talking about.

* The Unabomber was just Ray Kurzweil when he was drunk and pissed off. He later pinned the whole debacle on his AA sponsor Terry Kaczynski.

* In elementary school, the teacher ask Ray Kurzweil what kind of numbers are divisible by 2, to which Kurzweil responded "All of them except zero, you stupid bitch!"

* NASA didn't film the moon landing in the Arizona desert. They subbed the job out to Ray Kurzweil's production studios on Altair 6.

* Al Gore didn't invent the internet. He just asked Ray Kurzweil if he could think of a good way to distract Tipper with pictures of cute kittens and puppies so Al could jerk off to hardcore porn.

* Ray Kurzweil poisoned both cups. He's been building up an immunity to Iocaine for years.

* Ray Kurzweil authored and copyrighted the algorithm calculating, based on future trends of lingual width and moisture among homo sapiens, and rainfall projection and irrigation practices in Caribbean and South American sugar and cocoa plantations, how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.

* Who is John Galt? Ray Kurzweil's poolboy.