Begin your removal process
posted by CS | 12:10 PM 
Received this ominous e-mail message today at my place of employ:
Happy New Year,Begin MY removal process? I'd rather not begin that process until such a time as I deem appropriate. And what's this about my being a mere decoration? Maybe I should begin my removal process! ;-)
Many of us have decorated our work areas with holiday decorations and many more of us have enjoyed the decorators' efforts and creativity. It is now time to remove all decorations.
Please begin your removal process to ensure all decorations are removed By January 3, 2006.
1 Comments:
FedEx #237108477 nd Day
Wow! Who could've thought three little sentences could be so ripe with meaning. Here's what we can tell about the authors of the email:
(1) We're wound tighter than a roll of Christmas wrapping paper: We're the kind of people that if we saw holiday decorations one day after the holidays, it would be unnerving us and disrupt our ability to work or think. So unnerving that we're sending out this preemptory email to make sure this doesn't happen.
(2) We think you are a bunch of babies incapable of independent judgement: Although you all were somehow able to discern the right time put the Christmas decorations up, we're not so confident that you will know when the holiday season is over. We're afraid, like little children, you'll want to have Christmas the whole year round. This cannot be permitted.
(3) We hold you all in contempt: As evident by the above, by the awkward, half-hearted attempt at complimenting your "efforts and creativity", and by referring to the "the decorators" in the 2nd person as little as possible, you can tell that we feel ontologically superior to you all in a way that you'll never be able to comprehend.
(4) We hold your holidays in contempt: We're saying Happy New Year because "holidays" and the "C-Word" make us uncomfortable and we're glad to have them out of the way a soon as possible. But seriously, take everything down now. Sure we're saying 1/03/06 just so we don't piss off Jews or black militants rumored to be involved in candle-lighting activities. But seriously, "it is now time to remove all decorations." You need to learn to read between the lines of our cryptic memos if you want to be a team player in our organization.
(5) We have lousy grammar and writing skills: Run-on sentences, wordy euphemisms, improper capitalization? We thought all those red and green squiggles on word processor were just some sort of holiday thing.
(6) We love wasting time: Either we have more important tasks to do than badgering our employees about superficial problems, but don't feel like doing them; or we don't have more important things to do, and need to be laid-off.
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